I have 2 choices.
or none at all..

I have an Skype interview tomorrow for a job in Doha, Qatar to work as a Primary teacher. It is an International school that teaches the British curriculum (very very similar to what we teach in Oz) - the benefits are great, the location is great, the schools are 5 star with every available facility for the kids (We are talking the UAE after all). The downside - more time away from Oz with a brief reprieve of a month and a half before starting in September.  2 years and then the UK despite some people poopoo'ing the idea.
I think I am becoming an International teacher - as much as I would love to teach in Oz (still might) it is an amazing blessing I have been given - and I've paid the toll with having to become more resilient, self-aware and self-sufficient.

The other choice is the original plan - home at the end of July - work for a year and then the UK - more direct but as one of my friends said it's like you just get settled in and you are off again..how strong would the pull to travel be after the comforts of home, family, friends?

What I like about Choice 1.
PROS: It's the UAE - sheesha, meze, souq's, all that history, all that music...new country/culture/language, dashing Middle Eastern/African men..and the gateway to Europe and Africa.
CONS: instilled pre-conceptions of western women, new country/culture/language, 2 year contract, away from Oz, dashing Middle Eastern/African men.

Choice 2:
PROS: Going home, family, friends, speaking English regularly, 4 seasons, the goal of getting to the UK
CONS: expense, living with my parents, unavailability of regular work, the VISA process for the UK.

So, not counting chickens or eggs. Just letting what will be, will be..either way - I'll be getting out of Thailand - before the memories are clouded and bittersweet.

BTW - I have to work on a Sunday for a hour - sucking up to parents at a parents meeting - there goes my lovely Sunday lie-in and book-a-thon..

I have a secret...I want to tell people but it's kind of a biggie for me.
It's not pregnancy (a miracle in itself if it was), it's not marriage (who too?)...
it involves plane tickets, Australia and my family and staying in one spot for at least a year.

The love affair is over, Thailand and I don't get on anymore - I can't tolerate the ex-pat attitude of the 20 somethings I work with and I want Home. Thailand is pretty, temperate but the bias towards foreigners is extraordinary; Thailand doesn't mind if you fit into a certain mold but if you are not in that mold - forget it. I am breaking up with Thailand before it gets too ugly.


It's a secret because I am surprising my Mum and most of my family..I can't wait.  My best friend needs me as she goes through the horrific time of slowly losing her father to cancer, I want to bond with my sisters again - get to know my nephew and be NORMAL.  My brain is flabby and tired - over stretched with trying to understand a culture, a language and attitude.  I need the solace of time, familial love and re-connecting with my SCA peeps.  To speak English regularly on a daily basis is something I will be thankful for everyday.

Thats it..

more news will follow.

It's becoming that time again ...homesick.
You don't have to travel overseas to get it - you might get it being on holidays away from your place of residence - I think I spoke about this before - it's the familiar but the unfamiliar - having a routine of living in a foreign country but not exactly fitting in.
I try to be empathetic and place my feet in another's shoes - look at me through a Thai person's eyes - I'm loud(ish), tall(ish), big (ish), far too independent for a people who consider the family as everything, I travel alone. It is the Thai way to find the chink in your armour - they haven't found one until recently - I am overweight by some standards - but I am healthy, happy and relatively active. A friend that is a Thai Rasta/Reggae artist calls me Uan or Chaang (Fat or Elephant) which in Thai culture is neither good or bad - just a nickname and meant as fun - but for me it's too much - I didn't speak to him for a week after he lost face in front of a mixed group of people (Thai/Foreigners) - he lost face not me for calling me those names in front of them - I realised his culture more than he did at the moment.

So, that's when the homesickness had kicked in - at that moment when I realised that I will never truly understand this culture, I could live here for the rest of my life and never truly be a part of it - I could have a gizillion Thai babies with a Thai man and never get the culture because I don't belong - I don't fit into the acceptable pattern of the Thai perception of being a foreigner.  I want to belong somewhere that accepts me for me along with my weirdness, my 'ish's' - it might not be home - who knows where I will end up but going home to Oz for a while will be a soothing balm - to whinge about the bills, the weather and feed my SCA addiction will be a panacea for a moment of relief.

I need to reconnect with life in a way that I have disconnected from it here - the only thing that keeps me here at the moment is my job, the need to save money and funnily enough my motorbike.

I turned 38 on the 28th March - I made it this far without losing my mind or my body. I still have the energy of an 25 year old - if not more. The benefit of this age is I know stuff - I say no, I say yes, I advise, I listen. As a young friend said to me ' you are of Earth when I think of you, you are grounded, you are real' So, blessings come in many forms and bless her for that.
I was dreading turning 38 - I am the oldest out of the group of friends that exist here - when did I become a matriarch? At 38 many other people are married, mortgaged, kids, school runs, sport runs - I am none of those - I am an expat living in Thailand, no mortgage, kids (except students), school runs (yeah, on my motorbike at 7.15am Monday to Friday) and sport (ahem, don't swear at me, please).
Do I want that? Not really, I would love a house to play with, a garden full of cats, dogs and goats and a parrot to sit on my shoulder. Marriage - yes, that would be lovely, kids - other peoples is enough for me to go home satisfied.
So, this is me at 38 - greying a little, sexy as hell, can't keep me down for long.

We all make them; some of them we regret; some of them are the best ones of our lives. We make them consciously, spontaneously or involuntarily. After "Ghana-gate' which would have been an amazing turn in what is my new life experiences and Mad Hatter's Tea Party that was Piscean/Arian March birthday madness - I am down.
The decision I have made to stay here for another year is resting uneasily on my shoulders at the moment - I wish I had the convictions of a Buddhist to see through this feeling of 'what if'..the moment of clarity where I can go - so be it.
I try to explain to people who have not lived in another culture so diametrically opposed to your own what it is like to be here. Just when you think you have got a grasp of what it is like - a cultural curveball is thrown - it toughens you up but it sure as hell stings at the time.
Case in point - I know who I am, my friends know who I am, my family know who I am; so why does it take a person a considered a future infatuation turn around and be a complete cultural stereotype? Thai men are immature, raised to be princes, granted every whim so why am I surprised? but, but He IS different - a mix of cultures - Thai/Malay, an artist/musician, a charmer, we hang out, talk about music, life, things that have gone on in our lives. A connection; but then cultural difference takes over and he becomes a impolite misogynist in public - he is even impolite for a Thai person - and they are polite and try to save face at all times. It was a total switcheroo..
So, to my decision to stay here - work, work, work, have some fun and put love/romance on the back burner - it's only for a year - May to May. I am thinking it's time to go Home and reconnect with family and friends; be a little kinder to myself by living somewhere that is familiar and filled with love.
I still have itchy feet - or the addiction to expanding my mind and heart - there is the goal of the UK by 40 - 2 years away. I have people to connect with overseas; I still believe in what a Vietnamese palm-reader said to me - you will be lucky in love, have many boyfriends but at 44 you will find your true love. It sounds right to me, I will keep having love in my life, but keep the final decision until fate let's me know when it's the right time. If it's not 44, then 45?

I still find it strange after all this moving around and change how when one makes a decision - the mind immediately is set forward to the new place.
I have been inspired by the move to Ghana to explore via the interweb - the culture of the Ghanaian people - as with many african countries - it is just not 'one' people but several different cultures blended into a extraordinary mix of beauty, language, food and symbology.
I am excited about the possibilities that are waiting for me - not just as a person but as a teacher - I will be moving from Kindergarten into Primary and teaching subjects that fuel my personal life - history, geography, art. English and Math are the givens - so to speak. I will be teaching ex-pat kids and local ghanaian children - which will be another challenge again - goodbye children speaking 2 languages at once in the classroom; having a native co-teacher to help you - it's back to basics - one teacher, a classroom and learning..for all of us.
As always, I feel blessed - I feel God in everything I do - I am not talking the 'church' god - but that guidance for with-in and with-out. The most difficulty I am having at the moment - is the silence from my family on this - nothing from my sisters - granted they are busy but what is one or two lines in a email that could take 5 minutes?
I did take a strong stance on this regarding what I feel I need to do to be happy - call it self-centred etc but if I am unhappy - I am not exactly a productive member of the family - right?
What will be, will be.

http://www.adinkra.org/htmls/adinkra/hyew.htm

I am inspired by this symbol to carry on..

I have been living over at that other social network site for the majority of the time.
Life has gone on - I have evolved again thankfully, several layers have sloughed off in hopes of another new improved me.
Thailand has taught me to be lonely - no-one wants to be lonely - we strive to find companionship at any level we can - but if we delve into loneliness we find inner reserves, the okayness of solitude and the ability to find joy in sorrow. The love I have wanted to find here did not appear magically, no knights on white stallions ready to sweep me off my feet - yet again the hardest lesson is to learn to be on your own. The love I have found has been in feeling like I am doing the right thing - teaching - the reflection of love and learning in a child's eyes - the sheer anger created by a tiny human, the frustration and the elation.
Travelling has seen me here in Thailand, not outside the country - the money here is like water - you have it and it is gone again - great place if you are a tourist (and I encourage everyone to visit Thailand at least once!) BUT....
I have prayed in temples, swam in the Gulf of Siam, walked numerous beaches, spoken in foreign languages, drank too much beer, sweated out chili, consumed BBQ squid, fish and prawns with my hand like they were the finest delicacies on the face of the earth, I have learnt the serene ability of the neutral face whilst seething inside..
It's time to move on - I am not willing to accept somethings that have come to pass in Thailand - there are things in my life that I want to change - some may call this move I am making radical - I call it Ghana.

I'm alive.
I have moved countries
Old Siam is home for me now..
live about 3 hours from Bangkok, near the sea..and hills.
Burma (Myanmar) is close by....full of crazy dastards too..

Look up Hua Hin..we have reggae and jazz festivals...maybe we can haz SCA?

I am still alive...lol.
Facebook (of which some of you know) if you are on there and want to be added..let me know.
It is the more convenient form of commentary at the present moment. I have, however set-up a blog about my experiences and observations of living and existing in Saigon/Vietnam - if you want a connection to that as well let me know..

A review since i was on here last:

1. Travelled a little - went to Bangkok..Awesome vibrant magical manic ...love, love, love.
Mui Ne with Terry - mojitos, mosquitoes and love, love, love.

2. Decisions about life made - my path is less jungle like, and clearer. There is joy in living in Saigon. I am staying til the end of my contract (December) then either staying in Saigon or moving to Thailand..

3. Went home and fell in love ...with my nephew. A joyful, spirited baby with a smile that melts and intrigues at the same time. The connection that he has with my younger sister made me a little jealous initially but to see them together dissipates any of that and to observe those two together is a delight. Stated to my loved ones back home that I am happy, strong and focussed on finding my bliss through teaching and travelling (thats with a capital T!). Mum got it this time and I have given her space to worry and be a mum without taking it personally. Stated my case and she stated hers - we iz coolz now.

4. Terry and I separated after living together, loving together and being intense for a relatively short period of time. We are friends, sometimes lovers still but everything is all clarity, honesty and familiarity without contempt. I will miss him when he leaves but it is his journey to leave and go home and find himself again and mine to move on in another different direction. Still want to visit Naija!!!!!

5. Decided that writing might be an avenue to persue..trying my hand on diarises observations, thoughts, processes..hence the Saigon blog.

6. Gone back to dancing - kallay, kalloo..bellydancing makes my soul sing and my endorphins rush giving me a high I had almost forgotten..how could I forget how addictive middle eastern music was as well..trying to find a yoga class as well..trying salsa as well..funds permitting. My body's response to dancing - more! I was almost gringing with the idea of pain and stiffness - instead a little tightness in the quads and that endorphin rush continued..

Its been a while. I spend most of my time -------->over here in Facebook. Going home in August was fun, freaking cold and confusion generating, direction stirring up relationship challenging time. I spent too much money on things for school which were and weren't appreciated 'I didn't ask her to buy those books or those resources' etc etc. Sick of the manipulative bullshit.
I am coming home in about 12 days for a quick 14 day visit to assess the vibe in the family - having the new baby might have mellowed my mother - one epiphany I did have is when I went back was that some of the control issues I have come from my parents and my perception of what they want for me.
I know everyone wants the best for me and so I do in return but what if the best for me is not in Australia? What if it is working, living, relating, loving in another country or several different countries. The subtle shifts and the not so subtle shifts that have been changing me made themselves apparent when I went back in August and the ripple effect from that is still being felt now.
I am in a constant state of flux - whilst that was exciting at the start of the year - I am exhausted. My body is feeling it - I have had gastroenteritis (me with a cast iron stomach!) - which on some level I feel is purging some really negative shit I have had to go through with my job; colds; lack of a menstrual cycle (nothing new!); aching joints (everything is too freaking short!).
I am doing something about the whole underlying PCOS thing - I am taking metformin/glucophage. It essentially tricking my body into making the right hormones - and its doing its job - with no direct *ahem* evidence yet but the irritability (more so than usual), teariness and feeling down - yep, I think I am getting there. My current mood has told Terry to go out for the night - he is sweet gentle man that hates to see me down but his attentiveness just makes me want to cry.
What of Terry??? He is leaving me at the end of December while I am in Australia..he is going back to Nigeria. Denial is a fine thing but to come back for another six months and not have him around to give me the shits will take a lot of getting used to. Everything crossed I will see him in February in Naija for 2 weeks and when I am finished here...more on that when we get to it...don't want to think too much in the future..he says that long distance relationships can work but I still need a lot of faith in myself - I am not talking about the need to go out and have sex with any stranger I find but the other stuff that goes on - observations, in-jokes, bitching about the day to day stuff, annoying habits - as much I might complain I think I will miss that as well and make it doubly hard on the relationship - it all remains to be seen.

So, a kind of plan is forming:

1. HOme for Christmas - Huzzah - my nephew who will be 3 months and I need to have a chat and get to know each other
2. February - Gods/God/Goddesses willing - Nigeria for 2 weeks.
3. Persevere for another 6 months in 'Nam
4. Leave at the end of June - either come home directly, travel to Nige or travel a little around Thailand.
5. Come back to Oz after a couple of months - try the casual teaching thing for a while.
6. Plan for the new year 2011..